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Relationships are messy + delicious. Learn about how Robyn D'Angelo, The Happy Couple Expert uses science to effectively help couples in Orange County, California to master the messiness of couplehood, together.

The Blog

Do You Go to Bed Mad?

Emily Porta

Is the old adage that you should never go to bed angry really true?

Like many of you, I love reading the little articles on relationship advice.  I love reading to hear what people are saying what works for them, what doesn't. 

And I was just reading an article that was saved on my computer. I think it has some really great little nuggets in there and it's called "15 Ways to stay married for 15 years."  And number 1 on the list is "Go to bed mad."  

I love this because I think it's been years and years of kind of old school thinking that we have to resolve our conflicts before we go to bed with our partners.  We have to make sure everything is off the plate to start fresh the next day and I just don't agree with that. 

Especially just thinking about John Gottman research that says 69% of our problems are completely unsolvable.  So, things that are going to continue to come up we're never going to get to a place with our partner where we can say, "You know what, you're right.  Let's just--I agree with you.'"  Not necessarily. 

So, I love that you can go to bed mad.  What this does is actually gives us that recalibration that I'm always talking about when it comes to conflict. It gives us an opportunity to get a good night's sleep, to let our bodies literally calm down. 

Because often times when we get really overwhelmed and something happens to our bodies called "getting flooded" where our heart rate just skyrockets, our blood pressure skyrockets.  All of these physiological things happen that it literally takes a physical act of relaxation and rest so that we get through that situation and we can think rationally and have that conversation. 

So, the next time you and your partner are having a fight or even just a little tiny argument, remember, Robyn said its OK to go to bed mad. 

And the important part is to remember, how do you come back together the next day?  How do you say, "Let's try this again."  Or, "Can we revisit this?"  That's the important piece of this. 

So, I want to hear from you.  Do you go to bed mad?  Do you think it's something that is allowed in your relationship?  And, I wonder if it hasn't been up to this point, what would happen if you tried it? 

I hope this was helpful.  Leave a comment or you can shoot me an email: Robyn@TheHappyCoupleExpert.com.