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Relationships are messy + delicious. Learn about how Robyn D'Angelo, The Happy Couple Expert uses science to effectively help couples in Orange County, California to master the messiness of couplehood, together.

The Blog

How to Desire What You Already Have

Emily Porta

What makes you WANT your partner?

Today I want to talk about desire.  How does it show up in your relationship?  Does it show up at all? What does it feel like within your relationship? 

I started thinking about this after speaking with a colleague of mine and she mentioned Esther Perel, and her take on desire and eroticism within long-term relationships.  And it just got me really curious, and thinking how do we show our partners that we desire them?  Are there things that they do that we notice our desire and our longing increases? 

We know when we are clearly turned off by our partners or when we're annoyed by them, but when do we really and truly desire them?  

Something that Esther Perel said really struck me.  She talked about there are times when we're really feeling desire or want toward our partner (which is very different from needing them--she actually talks about need gets in the way of desire), and what resonated with me is this: she said that when you see your partner in their element and they're just radiating confidence, that is one of the most desirable qualities within our partners. 

I wonder if you have ever taken the time to think about that; to take a step back and just check in with yourself and see what happens to you emotionally or physically when you notice your partner just rocking it.  Whatever it is they do, whether they're a performer on stage, whether they're a out at a networking event and you can just watch them working the room.  

Then, more importantly, how do you relay that to them?  How do you communicate that desire or attraction to them?  Do you?  Do you sneak up behind them and, you know, give them a kiss on the cheek?   I want you to take a look at this, I want you to think about this--desire: how it shows up in your relationship and what you can do to maybe start increasing that.  

And if you're not sure, call me.  This is a great topic to work on with couples. Or maybe individuals, if you're just trying to find some ways to increase desire within yourself, within the context of your relationship, I'd love to work with you. 

Give me a call (714) 390-1652 or shoot me an email at Robyn@TheHappyCoupleExpert.com.  And let's start talking about ways to put the desire back into your relationship.