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-Robyn

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Relationships are messy + delicious. Learn about how Robyn D'Angelo, The Happy Couple Expert uses science to effectively help couples in Orange County, California to master the messiness of couplehood, together.

The Blog

Relationship Rehab with Robyn: Building Connection

Emily Porta

The bidding war you definitely want to win!

I want to share with you some of my secrets on how to stay connected with your partner and just to enjoy their company.  And, you may not realize this, but throughout the day, you and your partner are constantly trying to connect emotionally.  And this is something that Julie and John Gottman refer to as "bids" and bids can come at us in all different ways.  They can look like requests.  They can look like observations.  They can sound like compliments.  They can even sound like complaining, which we don't love, but bids are an opportunity to connect with your partner.  And this is something that we call sliding door moments.  If you imagine an elevator, when the door opens you have a certain amount of time to get in there before they shut.  You've got a certain amount of time when your partner bids toward you to respond to them in a way that can really enhance your relationship.  So, a few examples of bids are "How does this sweater look?", "Would you mind helping me fill out this form?", "I think I totally bombed my presentation today."  See, these are ways that your partner is just trying to connect with you.  They don't have to ask you these things.  They don't have to share with you.  But it's a way to get your engagement; get you involved.  So, you're not always going to respond to these sliding door moments successfully, but what I want you to do is realize that in this moment, it's up to you to decide what happens next.  So, when your partner has a bid or a request, you may not be able to accommodate that fully, but you are responsible for how you respond to them.  So, if someone asks you to maybe help fill out a form for them or with them, think about, "Do I want to do this right now?  Is there something we could do later?"  How can you respond to your partner so that they still feel connected and heard, instead of just "Can’t you just do it yourself?"  See how different that would make your partner feel, versus "Hey, you know, I'm right in the middle of something.  Do you think we could do it in fifteen minutes when I've got a little bit more time and could really focus with you?"  I can guarantee your partner will feel connected to you, heard, and overall just enjoy being around you.  And that's the goal here.  So, I want to hear from you.  If you're still struggling to really connect emotionally with your partner, or if you found some great, successful ways to do that, email me.  I'd love to hear from you.  You can email me at robyn@counselinglagunahills.com.