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Relationships are messy + delicious. Learn about how Robyn D'Angelo, The Happy Couple Expert uses science to effectively help couples in Orange County, California to master the messiness of couplehood, together.

The Blog

Do I Settle... or Leave?

Emily Porta

 
 

Hi, Robyn D'Angelo here, The Happy Couple Expert. I want to talk about a topic that I am seeing all over the place-- on magazines when I'm checking out of the grocery store, on different blog posts.  I don't know if it's just because summertime is coming up and the hot weather is getting to people or what, but I keep seeing this topic of have you chosen the right partner?  Are you with the right mate? 

And, what I keep seeing is there's these twolines of thought which are: you have two choices, right? Stay and settle or leave.  

You get into a relationship and all of the sudden you're asking this question: Oh my gosh, what have I done? Who am I married to? Who is this person?  This isn't the guy or gal that I married.  This isn't the person that I thought would sweep me off my feet or we'd be traveling the world by now or we would be phenomenal parents-- what happened? Who is this person?  Which by the way are very very normal questions.  

These questions can either come a couple months into the relationship or a couple years, but these are really normal.  There's even a therapist out of Boston that calls this, "The Normal Marital Hatred."  Ha!  And he talks about this in an attempt to normalize it because so many couples experience this.  

Anyways, back to these two trains of thought.  You can either settle in the relationship that you're in or you can leave.  I don't know about you but that is really grim.  I refuse to believe that there are only two options when it comes to maybe noticing that the passion is dwindling in my relationship.  I would venture to guess that you feel the same way.  

So, when the passion is dwindling or the desire just isn't there anymore or who am I kidding, maybe you don't even look at your partner and feel attracted to them anymore— hang in there.  

I think all couples in really healthy relationships go through this.  There are even studies that say, that moment when you experience “The Normal Marital Hatred,” it's almost like clarity, it's a real wow moment!  You recognize, the person who you thought was here to like save you from any discomfort and pain proof your life and live up to this romantic movie partner-- that's not reality and that's actually not a place that we can live forever.  

If you're asking yourself this question or you're feeling the same low-desire, low-passion, lack of attraction-- hang in there!  In fact, THIS is the precise moment for you to take action.  

You might be wondering, 'Ok Robyn, now what do we do with this?'  Great question!  There's a ton of advice I could give you, there's a ton of 'try this and this and this' but you know what?  I'm going to give you one step, one thing that you can do today to kind of get you back where you wan to be or in a new place with your partner.  It's really simple.  Are you ready for this?  Maybe get a pen and paper, you might want to write this down.  

Here it goes: Ask you're partner to sit down with you, carve out 30 minutes, 30 minutes, and just talk to them.  Ask them how they've been feeling in the relationship.  Ask them about areas that they'd like to see more connection, passion-- what that would look like?  Ask them what you've been doing right?  Ask them if they can point out or share with you, things that really help them, or really really make them feel special and loved and cared about by you.  

What this does is, it not builds up your confidence that you’re doing some things right, and there's somethings to keep doing.  It gives you a game plan.  And you can talk with your partner about ok, so this is what you're looking for, this is what you'd like a little bit more of-- let's talk about how to incorporate that and really get it into our relationship-- making time for that.  

It's about having a conversation with your partner and if you struggle with this, know that you are not the only couple going through this.  This is hard stuff that no body teaches us how deal with, until now--ME!  I would love to work with youIt is my passion to help couples connect and reconnect and change the way they connect so that they can have these conversations and come out feeling really productive on the other end of that.

You're welcome to contact me directly if this is something you and your partner struggle with or if you just want to work on your own and see 'How do I do this? How do I start this conversation?' 

So, reach out and I'd love to hear from you too.  Leave a comment.  Let's hear what happened when you reached out and had this conversation with your partner.  Alright you guys, good luck and I will talk to you next week.  Buh-Bye.