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Relationships are messy + delicious. Learn about how Robyn D'Angelo, The Happy Couple Expert uses science to effectively help couples in Orange County, California to master the messiness of relationships while learning how to love + be loved, better.

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When you're you're Lonely + Married.

Robyn D'Angelo


To the woman who feels lonely, misunderstood + like she's mismatched from her spouse,

This letter is to you. From me. From my heart that knows intimately what being married + lonely feels like.


Here's what I know about feeling lonely while being married:


Because when we're feeling lonely + misunderstood, we're likely asking things such as:

-    What the hell happened to us?
-    Why do I have to BEG for your attention?
-    What would it take for you to just WANT to spend time with me?
-    When did we become so incompatible?  


No one gets married to feel like they are doing this whole LIFE thing, solo. 
We don't get excited about weddings, honeymoons, anniversaries, holidays, major life milestones with the hope of doing it all ALONE.

Togetherness. Inclusion. Connection.

They are what we're wired to do. They are what we're wired to FEEL.

And here's the things about connection: when we're feeling connected, we're usually also feeling accepted, loved, valued + like we matter. 

Which means … if you're lonely, you're probably wondering some version of:

"What the hell is wrong with me that they don't want to spend time with me?"

For the many women that I work with, this is also attached to feeling taken for granted for all that they do to keep everything together.

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To keep track of kids schedules.
To make sure there's clean clothes.
To ensure grocery shopping is done.
To get all the birthday presents bought.
To plan vacations, holidays, family events.
To keep track of appointments. 

So, loneliness not only means, "What the hell is wrong with me?" but it also means,

"Why the hell can't you see + appreciate all that I do for this family?" 

To the woman who feels lonely, misunderstood, here's what you can start doing RIGHT NOW:

#1: Slow Down + Remember.
Ask yourself … "When was the last time I felt the opposite of lonely? When did I feel connected, included, appreciated, + important? Not just to my partner to but in life."

Was I kicking ass at work on a project my boss tasked me with?
Was I full of joy from being on day 79 of a 90 Days of Gratitude Challenge?
Was I volunteering 2x per month at my kids school + loving the energy?
Was I planning a girls' trip with my long-time grad-school ladies to a tropical destination?

Give yourself room to slow down + remember what it was like to feel NOT lonely. 

#2: Connect. (with others)
This may sound like a no brainer but if it was, you probably wouldn't be feeling so lonely right now.

Once you've done #1, and identified the last time you felt NOT LONELY, connect to those things + people who were a part of your feelings of connectedness. 

Connect to projects, interests + activities that fill you up. 
Connect to friends who see you, laugh with you, hug you, cry with you + love you. 
Connect with opportunities to give, volunteer + show up.

The most loving thing you can do for yourself, is to give to others, the very thing you crave.

#3: Get Away, together.
When is the last time you had all your partner's attention? No kids. No work. No phones. No distractions. 

It's time to get honest about what it is you LOVE, MISS, + CRAVE that only they can give you. 

TODAY, say some version of:

I am so lonely in our marriage. I miss the hell outta you. I miss us. Let's make time this week to reconnect. Let's get a sitter. Let's get in the car + drive up the coast. Let's book a quick weekend getaway. Let's get outta here. I need you, me + no distractions. How can we make this work in the next 2 weeks? 

And then make it happen.

Pull out the calendar. Text the sitter. Check for local flights. Google events within driving distance. AND JUST GO. TOGETHER.


4. Reconnect. (with your spouse) 
While doing #3 (getting away), take time to reconnect with your spouse. 

Take the time to touch them. 
Take the time to get to know them deeply.
Take the time to let them feel you: physically, emotionally, + spiritually.

Feeling like a total mismatch when it comes to the daily interactions is pretty typical. 

Knowing that you have the power to reconnect to the parts of you that fell in love is what's going to offset the feelings of incompatibility. 

While married life (after decades, children, relocations, job changes, health challenges, etc) may have created staleness… 

You must choose to get back to the source of your love + connection.

Whether it's your passion for French press coffee, your love for hiking outdoors, or it's just being still together - RECONNECT to that source.

In relationships, we all suck sometimes. Which means you're going to feel lonely, misunderstood + completely incompatible at times. And so will your partner. Knowing that this is the nature of being an imperfect human, with faults, irritations, and limitations in a relationship with another imperfect human enables a little more empathy + kindness. 

Yes, it's awful to feel lonely + invisible in your relationship, but sometimes it's going to happen and having the tools to cope will greatly reduce the pain associated with your experience.   
Remember, you're just two imperfect humans trying your best to not suck at being together.  

So, if you're ready to reconnect with your spouse + you'd like some personalized support, let's talk. 

Click the button below right now. Today is the day that YOU can choose reconnection over loneliness + disconnection. 



An EPIC Marriage PSA.

Robyn D'Angelo

Relationships aren't alway EPIC. I know this. You know this. Yet we all crave those EPIC moments.

Sometimes, I envy this totes adorable couple. Do you?

Sometimes, I envy this totes adorable couple. Do you?

It's totally cool - there's no shame in wanting some fairy tale version of love. It's what keeps us hopeful when shit gets messy in marriage. It's the stuff we dream + fantasize about. It's what puts a smile on our face when we get those random surprises from our partner. 

But it can also be disheartening if we expect our partners to show up in ways that aren't realistic. Or in ways that WE ourselves wouldn't even do. Sometimes we look at Rom-Coms and feel envy for that woman on the screen whose man surprised her with a weekend getaway, a fancy new dress, or when she is gently (yet firmly) kissed like she was the only person on the planet that he desired. (ooooh I love that one) 

There's no bigger LoveGeek on this planet than me, so I totally get this. 

And yet, in order to actually experience these EPIC LOVE moments, there's one thing that many of us overlook. So, I've written an EPIC Marriage PSA just for you (and it serves as a reminder for me too.)

You've heard various versions of this PSA with regard to world peace, success in your career + even finding that special someone. 

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."  -Gandhi
"Dress for the job you want, not the one you have."  -My Dad  
"Be the person you want to fall in love with."  -Danielle LaPorte

So, here's MY version for creating your epic relationship that lasts: 

"Be the EPIC person you want to love you through all the hard shit." 

That's it. Nothing too fancy. Nothing too complicated. Just start with being that person you most desire. 

Here are just a THREE ways you can start to do this, TODAY:


1. Wake up tomorrow morning, look at your partner and say this: ""I love you. Do you know that? Do you know that even though we've been too busy for date nights, too tired for sex, + honestly too annoyed with each other to even hang out like we used to ... I love the hell outta you." 

2. Ask yourself daily: What's one thing I could do today that would relieve pressure from my partner? What's one thing that could put a smile on their face? What's one thing that would make them feel loved? {Then do it. One thing. Every day.} 

3. Ask yourself daily: What's one thing I could do today that would put a smile on MY face? How can I take care of myself so that I have energy, desire + interest in my partner? Can I book a massage? Can I go for a run? Can I get a sitter for the kids tomorrow night? Can I get tickets to a movie + go solo? Can I carve out 15 minutes to read this book that I've been wanting to dive into?

In order to have that EPIC marriage, and to be that EPIC partner you've got to start thinking about YOU! If all you do is give, give, give through out your day, you will have little to nothing to give your spouse. 

And here's the kicker ... you ready for this?

When you're depleted, it's nearly impossible to RECEIVE!

You read that right. When you're exhausted, feeling unappreciated, disconnected, + annoyed with how much you are giving ... it will be quite impossible for you to accept + appreciate all those EPIC love gestures from your partner that you CRAVE. 

So, let me know how it went. Try out these three SIMPLE steps in being that EPIC person you want to love you through all the hard shit. 

And if you're still struggling, maybe you two need a quick deep dive. Check out the 1-Day Couples Intensives that I offer. It just may be what you and your spouse need to reconnect! 

VIDEO TIP: How to Love Your Stressed Out Partner

Emily Porta

Thank you so much for joining me in our seventh edition of the How To Love Your Partner series.  Today, I'm going to talk to you about how to love your stressed out partner.  I felt like this was appropriate for the holiday season.  Check out this week's videofor three quick tips.

Often times, the holidays can reek havoc on our relationships.  So, I'm going to give you three simple ways to learn to love your partner just a little bit more when they're extremely stressed out. 

I call these the "Three Rs" and they're really simple. 

1.  Review your ROLES.  Take a look at how do you and your partner show up in your day-to-day.  Are you typically the one who is out getting things ready for holiday parties?  Are you sending invitations?  Are the one sending out cards, getting presents together, coordinating each other's schedules?  Or is that your partner?  Review in your mind your role compared to your partner's, and how you both contribute.

2.  Make a REQUEST.  Go to your partner and say, "I want to sit down and take a look at what's coming up in the next couple of weeks.  Let's take a look at our schedules. Let's look at holiday parties, shopping, all of these things.  And let me know how I be a support to you."  It's that simple.  Ask: "Do you need help with certain things?  Give me things to do.  Let's delegate.  Let's split these up, divide and conquer."  This really tells your partner, "We're a team.  And I want to help you get through this.  I also understand how stressful this can be and I'm here to help." 

3.  REJOICE.  Celebrate together.  Celebrate those things that your partner has entrusted in you and verbalize that to your partner.  Let them know how much you appreciate them being able to confide in you, being able to depend on you. It says a lot when you can go to your partner and say, "Thank you so much for being able to receive my help and support, and for being able to depend on me."  Because that adds value to a relationship.  This is also positive reinforcement.  You're telling your partner, "This is really good.  This feels good. Thank you."  And your partner's brain loves that, whether they know it or not. 

I hope this has been helpful, but if you still want more tips and tools on how to really love your stressed out partner, especially during the holidays, feel free to contact me directly at 714-390-1652. 

Stormy Weather Won't Stop You ... Be the Best Partner You Can Be

Emily Porta

Yes, there's lots of rain here in sunny Southern California. Not just RAIN IN LA (hilarious BuzzFeed video you should check out for a good giggle) kind of drizzle but major, land-shifting, El Nino grade storms. You know, the kind that can wash away roads, cars and more importantly access to Starbucks. What??!?! 

It reminds me of how relationships can feel overwhelming, messy and cause lots of damage ... but that doesn't have to stop you from being the best partner that you can. 

Do "storms" in your relationship challenge your patience? Sure. Can it make it hard to think loving thoughts and keep a smile on your face? You  know it. But does stormy weather keep you boarded up in your house, hiding under the covers, paralyzed by fear? NO WAY. (well ... unless you're in the midwest where there may be tornadoes and blizzards - YIKES!)

YOU get to choose how you will be the best version of YOU today, tomorrow, this week, this month ... you get my point. It's a choice and with these simple (yet not always easy) steps, you can be the BEST PARTNER YOU CAN BE in 2016!

READ MY SHORT ARTICLE HERE  - it's full of simple how-to's. Then forward it to your partner, parent, friend, BOSS! (just kidding ... that may be a little to much this early in Q1)

My wish for you is a happy, healthy and abundant 2016! Let's get this party started, already.

"Thank You!" A Moment of Gratitude & Reflection for the New Year

Emily Porta


I wanted to send this message out to all of you this week and say "Thank you." 

Thank you for all the support over this past year.  It's been amazing getting emails, and the calls, and the questions.  It's really helped shape the way that I get information out to the world.  I really appreciate it. 

I also want to remind each of you to take time--rather, make time--to care for yourself during this time. I know it can feel kind of hectic to people.  Maybe even feels a little bit more lonely than normal.  Make time to show yourself some love and compassion, whatever that looks like during this time. 

Really gear up for the start of the new year.  Take a look back at 2015. Look at what you're grateful for.  Look at all that you've accomplished.  Look at the challenges that came up and how you navigated through them. 

Because you are here today.

I want to encourage you to take care of yourself, whatever that means, as the new year starts. 

Thank you again, everyone. I look forward to seeing you in 2016!

VIDEO TIP: How to Love your Overcommitted Partner

Emily Porta

Are you in a relationship with someone who tends to overbook themselves? Who tends to overextend their yes's to things and requests from other people?  If so, then this week's video is for you.

I'm going to give you a couple of ways you can just love your partner a little bit more and hopefully benefit your relationship.  Because often when you have an overcommitted partner, it's not just your partner being overstretched.  It also probably means you are feeling neglected. 

So here's what you can do. 

1. Tell your partner how much you love and appreciate them and all their effort to stay connected with friends and close people that matter to them.  In essence, this is what overcommitting is, right?  Saying yes to far too many things and overbooking their calendar because they typically want to stay connected, or want a sense of importance, or want to maintain this perception that "I've got my stuff together and I can do it all."  So, start by just letting them know that you love them. 

2. Share with them really gently and free of any criticism or judgment what you observe.  If you notice that they're extra tired in the morning and they're hitting snooze a couple extra times, say so.  You could say, "I notice we're getting to bed really late each night this week, or each night this month.  And you're hitting snooze like five or six times in the morning.  I can see this is really impacting you."  Again, gently and free of judgment, talk about what you observe.  And then I want you to again remind them how much you love them and appreciate their effort to stay connected...and that you're also seeing it impact them. 

3. Talk about what it's doing to the relationship and to you in particular.  Talk about what you need.  If you're feeling a little bit neglected and you just want some more time with your partner, say that to them.  Let them know, "I want to find a way that we can spend a little bit more time together."  Maybe it's an issue ofquality time over quantity.  You might say, "We need time with your phone away, when you're not checking to-do lists."  Maybe you just need your partner to be present when they're with you.  Talk to them about that. 

4. Ask them what they need.  Ask them if there's a way to make their needs an actual reality without overextending themselves. Are there things that you can maybe help them do?  Do they need help saying no?  Find out what it is that they need, so that overcommitting themselves doesn't have to be an everyday occurrence (or, an every holiday occurrence, as the current circumstance might be). 

Give these tips a try the next time you want to communicate your thoughts on the matter and see if anything changes in you, in your partner, or in the relationship.  I'd love to hear how it goes for you.

If this has been helpful, please leave a comment.  I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

But if you need a little bit more help learning how to love your overcommitted partner or you just want some help talking to them, direct message me or give me a call at 714-390-1652. And let's see how I can help you guys start loving your overcommitted partners just a little bit more. 

VIDEO TIP: How to Love Your Stubborn Partner

Emily Porta

Thank you so much for joining me for the sixth edition of my How To Love Your Partner series.  Today, I'm going to talk to you about how to love your stubborn partner.  Check out this week's video.

Often times, what happens is either we or our partners just get stuck or just can't move past something about a situation or topic.  Maybe they don't even want to talk about it. 

I'm going to give you three tips on how to love your stubborn partner just a little bit more.  See if these can help you move through some of those difficult topics: 

1.  Be really selective and thoughtful when asking your partner to talk. 

Think about setting up a time.  Ask them, "Hey, can you check your schedule?  I'd love to sit down and talk to you about something.  There's something really important that we need to discuss.  Let's make it a priority, put it on the calendar."  That way, it even gives your partner some time to think about and mentally prepare. 

What it also says is you respect the fact that there's something about the topic that's hard for them and you're giving them some time--and yourself--to come at this in a really thoughtful way. 

So, that's the first tip:  be thoughtful and selective about when you talk about the issue. 

2.  Try to understand your partner and whatever their stubbornness means. 

What is it about a certain topic they're resisting that makes them uncomfortable, that makes them upset?  The best you can do is get curious.  And here's like the golden question to say to your partner:  "Help me understand." 

So, you're not saying, "What's wrong with you?  What's your deal?  Why is this so hard?"  You're just simply saying, "Help me understand.  Share with me."  This can bring your partner's defenses way down.  Then they're much more likely to be vulnerable with you and share with you what is really going on around this topic. 

So, ask them to help you understand what's going on. 

3.  Appreciate them. 

Appreciate any small piece that they can do differently, whether it's sharing what's been bothering them, whether they're saying "OK, yeah, I can put this in my calendar and we can make a time to talk about this." 

Try to verbalize to them what you appreciate about how they respond to your requests, how they move through what typically could be something they get stuck with, and just share that with them. 

So, there you have it.  Three simple tips on how to love your stubborn partner.  Select a time that is thoughtful.  Ask them to help you understand their process.  And just appreciate them for their effort. 

If this has been helpful, reach out and let me know

But if this is something that you continue to struggle with and you would like more help, maybe some one on one help, give me a call.  I'd love to talk to you about working together and helping you figure out ways to love your stubborn partner even more.  You can call me directly at 714-390-1652.

VIDEO TIP: How to Love Your Ungrateful Partner

Emily Porta

Thank you so much for joining me for our fifth edition of the "How to Love your Partner" series. And, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to be talking to you today about how to love your ungrateful partner. Because, especially around the holidays, sometimes it can seem like our partners are just being flat-out ungrateful.  Check out this week's video tip.

To start, what is the definition of gratitude? I looked this up, and I was really surprised to see that there's two main parts to this: First of all, it is the quality of being thankful. But, it's also the readiness to show our appreciation.

I want you to think about this for a minute, because sometimes when our partners appear to us as being ungrateful, maybe it's just because they've really struggled to show appreciation.So, just keep that in mind.

And, typically what I would do in these videos is I'd give you ways to maybe talk to your partner and have conversations about these different topics that you are struggling with. Not today.

What I'm going to do today is I am going to give you tips that you can do on your own to try to love your ungrateful partner a little bit more:

1.  Maintain the 5:1 Ratio

I want you to think about your interactions with your partner. According to John Gottman's research, it's the happiest couples that maintain this ratio of 5 to 1 interactions.  This refers to five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. And, so five positive interactions, those can be anything from just a "Hello",  to a kiss on the cheek, to a "How's your day today?", anything that feels positive to your partner for every one negative interaction. So, really try to maintain that high ratio. What it does is it helps you to actually become more grateful for your partner and appreciate them more.

2.  Trick Your Brain with "Simulated Joy"

OK, I know how that sounds.  Stick with me.  Test this out:  I want you to find photos of the two of you.  These can be in photo albums (Remember back in the day, when we actually printed out photos?) or pictures on your phone.  Take your time and look through those.

You know that our brains react to real danger and perceived danger the same way, right? What happens is it will release cortisol and adrenaline--even if there isn't actual danger around, but it perceives that there's danger.  This means that our brains will also react to perceived love and joy or real love and joy indiscriminately too. 

So, when you're looking at these photos, these positive memories of your partner, and you're really focusing on this, you're actually creating the circumstances to cause your brain to secrete serotonin. And, serotonin is what's called our cuddle drug, because it just makes you feel good and makes you want to cuddle.

While you're looking at some photos, you might want to involve your partner in that and see if that can shift their level of gratitude too.  Pull them in, look at photos together, see what happens.

If you're still struggling with this and you feel like you'd like some extra help with learning how to love your ungrateful partner, I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to work with you and help you learn how to love your ungrateful partner just a little bit more this year.

VIDEO TIP: How to Love Your Overly Defensive Partner

Emily Porta

Hi, friends.  Welcome back for the fourth edition of the How To Love Your Partner series.  Today, I'm going to tell you about How to Love Your Overly Defensive Partner.  Is your partner overly defensive?  Does he or she have a hard time with criticism or go on attack mode at the first sign of a confrontation?  Maybe your disagreements quickly escalate into an all-out verbal battle leaving you both wounded and frustrated?  Check out this week's video.

First things first.  When someone is getting defensive, I want you to consider: where could this be coming from? 

Just to give you a little information, typically when people present as overly defensive, usually what's happened is they grew up in an environment where they experienced a lot of criticism and judgment.  From there, they start to live in a space of shame, deep-seated shame.  And this shapes the lens that they view the world.  That lens is called inadequacy. 

So, they're constantly thinking, "I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, strong enough, independent enough, handsome enough..." or any number of other things.  They simply think, "I'm not enough."  When someone comes from an "I'm not enough" standpoint, anything they hear can be perceived as an attack on their character--the way they do things, the way they speak.  They get defensive.  That's them trying to protect themselves. 

If this resonates with you, I want to give you two steps to try to love your overly defensive partner just a little bit more: 

1.  I want you to AVOID at all costs arguing back with them.  It will get you nowhere.  The best thing you can do is take a breath.  See if you can get really present.  And just listen.  And not only listen but let them know you're listening.  That can look like nodding to let them know that you're present. 

Even better, you can say that "I hear you. You're upset.  I can see that."  Affirm their experience.  What that can do is that can stop them dead in their tracks.  It's almost like, "Wow, they actually see me. I don't have to get this wound up to get their attention." 

So, avoid arguing at all costs and see if you can really just get present and hear them and see them and acknowledge that. 

2.  I want you to own your part.  You may think, "Robyn, give me a break.  They're getting defensive, they're lashing out at me.  What do you want?  You want me to own some of this?" 

Yes, but hear me out.  Is there a piece, an ounce, a thread of what they're talking about within their outburst or their defensiveness true?  Can you identify even the tiniest bit of truth in their story that you can be accountable for? 

I'll tell you right now, the moment you own your piece of it, it takes the wind out of their sails.  They can no longer argue and attack and come at you because you're simply standing there saying, "I'm here.  I'm here, I'm owning it.  And when you're done and you feel safe, let's have a conversation about this." 

Of course this all sounds really easy coming from me.  But, it can be done.  It just takes practice.   

If this has been helpful, great.  Leave a comment below.  But if you would like some one on one help, if this has really resonated with you and you'd like to just learn more on how to make this work and love your overly defensive partner, reach out to me:  (714) 390-1652 or, you can email me.  Let's see if I can help you learn to love your overly defensive partner in ways that you never thought possible.

VIDEO TIP: How to Love Your Exhausted Partner

Emily Porta

Back at it again for the third round of my "How To Love Your Partner" video series.  Today, I'm talking about how to love your exhausted partner.  And, this is specifically for those of you with children.  Watch the video for my quick tips:

We're all busy people, right?  And so, we all are susceptible to feeling utterly exhausted at different phases of our lives.  But if you're a parent, you understand a whole new kind of exhaustion.  I get it.  I've gotten so many requests from parents out there saying, "Robyn, we're exhausted and we're struggling.  Please help us.  How do we do this?  What are some little things we can do?"  And I'm so glad you're here. 

My first tip is to create a routine.  Create something where you guys are doing this every day if possible.  Or, every other day--whatever it is, it's a routine and you know when to expect it.  So, what this looks like is, can you show up for your partner in ways that support them and give them little breaks?  If you're the partner who is maybe not at home all day with the children, can you come home at lunch time?  Can you come home during your day and maybe give the other partner a thirty-minute break so they can at least shower?  Or they maybe throw in a load of laundry.  Just having a thirty-minute break and expecting it can change chemicals in our brains.  We'll actually look forward to that, we'll perk up a little bit, and we'll be able to get through those couple hours in our day. 

The next thing I want you to think about within routine is, when children are napping, or if there's just downtime, can you make it to where everyone in the family does the same thing?  That's right.  You guys--parents--can you take a nap at the same time?  Or, can you guys just relax and let your bodies rest?  It's so important to create a routine around this.  And it will change the way you show up for your children, as well as one another. 

The second thing I want you to think about is, how are you nurturing your bodies?  And I'm talking about food and beverages, liquids.  Are you getting enough to drink?  Are you hydrated?  Research shows us that when we are not hydrated and when we are not well-nutritioned, it impacts our moods. It makes it harder to make decisions.  You may find that you or your partner who is exhausted and hungry or dehydrated--you're a little bit short.  Your temper, you kind of snap like that.  Make sure that you are feeding yourselves.  It sounds basic, but we tend to neglect ourselves when we are exhausted.  Can you make your partner maybe a lunch for the next day?  Whoever wakes up first, can you maybe put on a pot of coffee, make a little bit of breakfast, so that it's already there and easy for that person who has, you know, a full day ahead of them with kids.  So, showing up for your partner and helping them to nourish their bodies. 

And the last thing I want you to remember is it's temporary.  It's totally temporary.  This is not going to last forever.  Can you on numerous occasions throughout your day try to lovingly remind yourself and your partner of that?  You can do this by just looking at one another and connecting.  It can be as simple as a look from across the room that says "I love you.  I know this is hard.  You've got this. I've got your back."  It's so imperative that you take time no matter how tired you are to look at your partner and say, "We've got this." 

So, my challenge to you for this week is to:

1.  See if you can come up with a routine. 

2.  See if you can find ways to ensure that you guys are nourishing each other with good food and liquids.

3.  Stay connected.  Find a new way this week to connect with your partner and let them know that you've got their back. 

Thanks for joining me and I'll see you guys next week.

How have you found ways to beat exhaustion and stay connected while in the throes of parenting?  Or, what new challenges has parenting and exhaustion presented to you?  I want to hear about it!  Share your tips in the comments or reach out to me directly