Being married and lonely is a thing. And it's exhausting.
Not only is it an exhausting thing. It was my exhausting thing once. Ok more than once. It's been a thing of mine, over and over. Off + on for years.
And if you've been married or coupled for any amount of time, I'd go out on a limb to say that I'm sure it's been your thing once or twice, as well.
If you're currently feeling pretty lonely in your relationship and you're wondering…
what the hell can I do to change this dynamic?
how in the world can we get that loving feeling back?
what will it take to not lose my shit for the third time this week?
Then CLICK HERE. I wrote a lovely little piece last year about how to talk to your partner about this. How to get back to a sense of Self so that you can reconnect, repair and reignite passion with your partner. Go ahead check that blog out.
Today, I'm writing to the person who is lonely, and too tired to work at repairing, reconnecting or reigniting anything with your partner.
Yep, you know the feeling.
You're exhausted. You've sailed past being heartbroken + landed on the island of numbness. Maybe you're even checked out., emotionally.
And you’re probably even an alumni self help student. Which I love by the way, when written by those who use science + research to back up their advice.... ie: The Gottmans, Harville Hendrix, Stan Tatkin, Susan Johnson and Terry Real just to name a few of my faves.
But those nifty techniques aren’t working anymore.
Your Imago Dialogue falls flat when your partner has ignored you for the last few months.
Your soft start-ups get epic eye rolls and one helluva scoff. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
Oh and don't even get me started on when your "I statements" blow up in your face.
Fucking "I statements." (Can you hear my eye roll in that one? ha!)
Look, you're tired. You're lonely. And you're married.
I get it. Boy do I get it.
You're also not ready to pull the plug (or are you?)
You've got the kids to think about.
It's not like your spouse is abusive, cheating, or lying so you can't be THAT upset. (right?)
And yet, you can't seem to pull yourself out of this place.
Where you shudder at the thought of him touching you.
You can't even bring yourself to accept his invitation to have sex.
The last thing you want is to feel his ANYTHING touching anything of yours. BARF.
You're done. But you're not really done.
I don't think you want out of the marriage. I don't think you want to separate or divorce. I don't even think you want a new spouse.
You just don't want to FEEL THIS. What you're feeling. And what you have been feeling for months, maybe even years.
You’re done feeling unappreciated, judged, invisible, and like you're nothing more than the house manager.
And guess what ...
Couples therapy isn't going to help you. It won’t work this time.
I can say that with confidence. I've been to plenty of couples therapy off and on over the years. And let me be the one to tell you, when you're in this place, couples therapy is going to fall flat.
Not because your therapist sucks.
Not because your spouse is an idiot, asshole, or entitled man-child.
Couples therapy won't work when you are emotionally, mentally + energetically spent.
The truth about couples therapy is this:
It’s the 6-month long training required to set a new personal record running that Marathon.
It’s the intense studying, all nighters, for weeks on end before you sit for the bar exam.
It’s the 9 months of reading parenting books, attending classes, putting together the nursery, and watching your body change, in preparation to have a baby.
It’s the noisy, dirty, unpredictable demolition of the fixer upper you bought, the drawing up of new floorplans, the rebuilding, and the decorating to make a new house your new home.
What I'm getting at, is that couples therapy is the training.
It's the learning.
The roll-your-sleeves-up and get to work.
It's the practicing.
The getting vulnerable.
It's the cracking open so that you can get to the heart of the devastation + repair.
You're not ready for couples therapy. You need some relational individual therapy.
You're in desperate need of soul nourishing conversations, internal explorations, and rediscovery of self.
Running a 26.2 mile marathon dehydrated, starving, and 30 pounds overweight will cause MASSIVE injuries. Maybe even irreversible damage.
Similarly, starting couples therapy lonely an exhausted is setting yourself (and your relationship) up for disappointment + failure. You don't yet have the wherewithal to show up and do the work.
If you're starting out empty will not have the capacity to give the love, empathy, compassion, respect and patience needed in couples therapy.
You need to refuel. You need to replenish. You need to fill up, so that you can show up.
And train. And heal. And connect.
You need one on one, individual support that is focused on relationships. healthy ones. full of vitality. passion. desire. wanting. openness. LOVE.
I'd love to support you in refueling. In recharging. In filling back up so that you can learn how to move from feeling lonely, married + exhausted to feeling like you've got the relationship that you and your partner both deserve + desire.
Look, Epic love is great. But sometimes, you just need some help getting back to love that feels good enough. The kind of love that feels safe. And like you're not alone.
If you're ready for this support, click the button below + let's talk.
Let me guide you to a place of replenishment. Let me be your coach, your mentor, your guide.