To the woman who feels lonely, misunderstood + like she's mismatched from her spouse,
This letter is to you. From me. From my heart that knows intimately what being married + lonely feels like.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Here's what I know about feeling lonely while being married:
Because when we're feeling lonely + misunderstood, we're likely asking things such as:
- What the hell happened to us?
- Why do I have to BEG for your attention?
- What would it take for you to just WANT to spend time with me?
- When did we become so incompatible?
BUT WHY IS THIS SO DAMN PAINFUL?
No one gets married to feel like they are doing this whole LIFE thing, solo.
We don't get excited about weddings, honeymoons, anniversaries, holidays, major life milestones with the hope of doing it all ALONE.
Togetherness. Inclusion. Connection.
They are what we're wired to do. They are what we're wired to FEEL.
And here's the things about connection: when we're feeling connected, we're usually also feeling accepted, loved, valued + like we matter.
Which means … if you're lonely, you're probably wondering some version of:
"What the hell is wrong with me that they don't want to spend time with me?"
For the many women that I work with, this is also attached to feeling taken for granted for all that they do to keep everything together.
To keep track of kids schedules.
To make sure there's clean clothes.
To ensure grocery shopping is done.
To get all the birthday presents bought.
To plan vacations, holidays, family events.
To keep track of appointments.
So, loneliness not only means, "What the hell is wrong with me?" but it also means,
"Why the hell can't you see + appreciate all that I do for this family?"
To the woman who feels lonely, misunderstood, here's what you can start doing RIGHT NOW:
#1: Slow Down + Remember.
Ask yourself … "When was the last time I felt the opposite of lonely? When did I feel connected, included, appreciated, + important? Not just to my partner to but in life."
Was I kicking ass at work on a project my boss tasked me with?
Was I full of joy from being on day 79 of a 90 Days of Gratitude Challenge?
Was I volunteering 2x per month at my kids school + loving the energy?
Was I planning a girls' trip with my long-time grad-school ladies to a tropical destination?
Give yourself room to slow down + remember what it was like to feel NOT lonely.
#2: Connect. (with others)
This may sound like a no brainer but if it was, you probably wouldn't be feeling so lonely right now.
Once you've done #1, and identified the last time you felt NOT LONELY, connect to those things + people who were a part of your feelings of connectedness.
Connect to projects, interests + activities that fill you up.
Connect to friends who see you, laugh with you, hug you, cry with you + love you.
Connect with opportunities to give, volunteer + show up.
The most loving thing you can do for yourself, is to give to others, the very thing you crave.
#3: Get Away, together.
When is the last time you had all your partner's attention? No kids. No work. No phones. No distractions.
It's time to get honest about what it is you LOVE, MISS, + CRAVE that only they can give you.
TODAY, say some version of:
I am so lonely in our marriage. I miss the hell outta you. I miss us. Let's make time this week to reconnect. Let's get a sitter. Let's get in the car + drive up the coast. Let's book a quick weekend getaway. Let's get outta here. I need you, me + no distractions. How can we make this work in the next 2 weeks?
And then make it happen.
Pull out the calendar. Text the sitter. Check for local flights. Google events within driving distance. AND JUST GO. TOGETHER.
4. Reconnect. (with your spouse)
While doing #3 (getting away), take time to reconnect with your spouse.
Take the time to touch them.
Take the time to get to know them deeply.
Take the time to let them feel you: physically, emotionally, + spiritually.
Feeling like a total mismatch when it comes to the daily interactions is pretty typical.
Knowing that you have the power to reconnect to the parts of you that fell in love is what's going to offset the feelings of incompatibility.
While married life (after decades, children, relocations, job changes, health challenges, etc) may have created staleness…
You must choose to get back to the source of your love + connection.
Whether it's your passion for French press coffee, your love for hiking outdoors, or it's just being still together - RECONNECT to that source.
In relationships, we all suck sometimes. Which means you're going to feel lonely, misunderstood + completely incompatible at times. And so will your partner. Knowing that this is the nature of being an imperfect human, with faults, irritations, and limitations in a relationship with another imperfect human enables a little more empathy + kindness.
Yes, it's awful to feel lonely + invisible in your relationship, but sometimes it's going to happen and having the tools to cope will greatly reduce the pain associated with your experience.
Remember, you're just two imperfect humans trying your best to not suck at being together.
So, if you're ready to reconnect with your spouse + you'd like some personalized support, let's talk.
Click the button below right now. Today is the day that YOU can choose reconnection over loneliness + disconnection.