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Filtering by Tag: anger management

Anger, Resentments, & How to Release their Hold on Your Relationships

Emily Porta

Are your resentments taking you for a ride?  Check out this video for a technique that actually works by giving you permission to feel your anger and and see your way through your resentments. 

Today, I want to talk about anger, and specifically, I want to talk about resentments. 

Anger is a very healthy, normal, natural emotion.  We all feel this at times.  And I think where it tends to feel upsetting is when we make choices on how to experience that, or basically, how we deal with our anger.  Resentment is one of those ways. 

Resentment is something that, we tend to have this story in our mind, and it kind of goes round and round.  We spin out, thinking things like,  "How could this person do this?  What were they thinking?  What's their problem?"  And it goes round and round and festers, and keeping us in that victim role and them in the "they're the ones that did this" role, casting the blame onto them. 

One of the ways that I've learned from my dear friend and colleague Michelle Farris, LMFT on ways to deal with resentments when we find ourselves stuck in that loop is totry writing down--completely uncensored--everything that you feel and think about this situation, or even about the person.  Just write it all out. 

Then once you've had a chance to do that, I want you to think about how the resentment impacts you personally.  Does it impact your self-esteem?  Does it impact your emotional kind of security?  Maybe financially?  Does it impact you when you're out in public?  Write this down in detail. 

Then I want you to write out, how do your behaviors and your attitudes, your mood--how does this impact this situation as a whole? 

What happens when we have resentments toward someone is it tends to separate us.  We feel like we can't trust that person.  Maybe we feel like we don't want to apologize because then we have to forgive them.  Right? 

Next, I want you to write out next everything you would say to that person.  Again, completely uncensored, every single thing.  Now, you're not going to give this to that person.  This is entirely for your benefit, to learn to navigate and move through this resentment, in order to see if you can release some of this a little bit.  Because the resentment actually holding you captive. 

There's also very specific ways that you can start to communicate your feelings, your thoughts to the other person involved.  And that's when I recommend that you highly reach out to a trained professional.  Maybe a therapist like myself, maybe a coach, maybe someone in your congregation at a church or something. 

Get some specific help in learning how to communicate your feelings and your thoughts to help release some of these resentments.  And I can guarantee your relationships will begin to shift immediately. 

Leave me any questions you have below and if this is something that you're struggling with and you'd like some help, reach out.  You can call me directly at 714-390-1652.  Or, shoot me an email if you have a specific question.

Anger Management

Emily Porta

I use the term “anger management” because it is a familiar phrase used in our culture. Secretly, I don’t really care for this term. Managing anything reminds me of trying to herd cats – um, truly frustrating. When I work with people that have anger issues, it really is about understanding the anger. (cue the “getting to know you” tune from Sound of Music) Often, people that come to me seeking anger management are truly filled with many feelings other than anger that they don’t know how to express. Anger has been the easiest or quickest way to alleviate the inside tension. But anger is complex and needs more than management. It needs attention, care, nurturing, healthy expression and healing. Anger when addressed properly can be a pathway into a better understanding of ones self.  Here are some signs that you may need help with addressing your anger:

• Your work is being impacted – others at work may have told you that you are “hot headed” and you need to keep your cool. Maybe you have been fired or walked away from a job in the heat of the moment.  Some find it hard to focus and are consumed with their frustration at their job, to the point that they don’t get their work done, alienate themselves or others, and even resort to intimidating those around them.

• Your relationships are chaotic – maybe you get into fights with your partner – this can be verbal (yelling, intimidation, cursing), physical (hitting, pushing, slapping) or emotional (put downs, hurtful sarcasm) Either way, you take your frustrations out on your partner.

• You get physical – now this isn’t everyone but some people do physically express their anger in an unhealthy way – hitting others, hurting themselves (burning, scarring) or lashing out towards things (punching holes in walls).

• You feel out of control – even if people don’t notice your anger, if you feel like you are on edge and just about to “lose it” then that is something that deserves attention.

Don’t wait until things are so out of control – get help now! You don’t have to struggle and try to control your anger alone. Counseling can bring understanding and growth.