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Relationships are messy + delicious. Learn about how Robyn D'Angelo, The Happy Couple Expert uses science to effectively help couples in Orange County, California to master the messiness of relationships while learning how to love + be loved, better.

The Blog

Filtering by Tag: forgiveness

How to Apologize in Your Partner's Language

Emily Porta

Today I want to talk about forgiveness and apologizing.  

 
 

You know, according to Gary Chapman who is the creator of the 5 Love Languages, he says that each of us also has an apology language.  How cool is this?  

So, once you can actually learn what your apology language is and your partner's apology language, you guys are pretty primed for success if there is ever any kind of emotional or verbal wound that you cause one another.  

Have you ever noticed that sometimes if you and your partner get in a big fight and you're saying, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." And they just can't hear it.  It doesn't do anything.  Guess what?  Their apology language may not include the words "I'm sorry."  It may be "I can't believe I did that.  I will never do that again."  

It's really interesting to know that we actually have an apology language.  So, what I want you to do is to take 30 minutes out sometime this week, hope online, Google: The Apology Language or 5 Apology Languages and take the quiz. It's free.  It takes like 5 minutes.  

Print out your results that get emailed to you.  You and your partner can both do this and sit down together and talk about your apology languages.  I'm telling you this is going to change the way that the two of you reconnect and come together after there has been a conflict and then an attempted apology.  You create this amazing environment for forgiveness to actually happen.  

So, go check it out and once you guys have these results and you start the conversation and if you just get stuck, call me!  This is where I come in.  This is where we can really get you both on the same page so that you can hear the apologies, accept it and move towards forgiveness.  

Sometimes, we just need a little help.  And if that's you, call me!  We'll do this together.  That's my jam!  Alright, thanks so much for watching and I'll see you next week.  Buh-bye!

The F Word ... And how to do it

Emily Porta

Forgiveness - it's one of the most neglected of all healing arts. But why? There are many questions around this topic and my video gives you 8 things to pay attention to when considering forgiveness. Check back weekly for tips on how to answer these 8 questions and feel successful in forgiveness

 

Can't wait for the next video? Call me today and let's talk about how I can help you successfully forgive those in your life. 714-390-1652.

Transcription:

Hello. Robyn D'Angelo here, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist.  And, I wanted to talk to you today about forgiveness.  What is forgiveness? It's everywhere. I feel like it walks into my office often. Couples coming in asking, "How do we do this? I feel like I should. I want to. I need to." What is it? So, forgiveness is basically when we heal our own inner wounds that have been inflicted upon us by others' wrongs. Right? That's forgiveness.  And when we're thinking about forgiveness, there's--I'm sure there's a lot of emotions and thoughts and memories that come up with that. And when you're considering forgiveness, when you're considering forgiving someone, I want you to think about eight things: I want the first thing you think about--I want it to be, "What makes forgiveness work?" The second thing I want you to consider is, "Why do I want to forgive this person in the first place?" The third thing I want you to consider is, "What should I and what should I not forgive?" based on whatever event has happened. The fourth thing I want you to think about is, "How do I know when to forgive?" Think about the timing of everything. The fifth thing is, "Do I resume the relationship once forgiveness has actually taken place? Does it make sense to allow this person maybe back in our life?"  The sixth thing is, "Do I tell this person I have forgiven them once it has happened?"  Kind of the pros and cons of that. The seventh thing is, "How do you really know once you've forgiven?" What does that look like? Most importantly, what does it feel like? Right? And the very last thing is, "How in the heck do I know if it worked? How do I know if forgiveness has actually happened; if it has occurred?"  These are the eight things I want you thinking about. And, at a later time, I'll definitely be giving you tips and tools on how to answer these questions. But for now, think about those eight things the next time that you're considering forgiveness of any kind. And if this has been helpful for you, reach out to me. Let me know. You know, shoot me an email robyn@therapywithrobyn.com or just leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you, and know what you came up with for some of your answers. And, I will talk to you again soon. Thank you.

[Transcribed by NMS, 4/2/15]

Self Compassion

Emily Porta

I go to this event monthly, called Laundry Love. A bunch of us take donations that we get over the month, take over a laundry mat and pay for people's laundry. We don't care if you are rich, poor, can't speak English, have a car, ride a bicycle, live in a mansion or in a box on the beach...we will help you do your laundry. 

I was talking to one of my friends that spearheaded this event, who happens to also be an amazing yoga teacher. We were talking about compassion, it's importance, it's power and how it transforms. I truly feel Laundry Love, in its essence is about compassion. Through it, I see people receive love and dignity. Even the most hurting, just for a couple of hours, get their clothes cleaned and feel a part of a community.

So take the compassion and turn it inward...what do you get? Self Compassion. Showing yourself kindness and care. Imagine once how you were an infant, needing love and care. You are in a way, still that small babe that needs to be treated tenderly. How often we berate ourselves, judging our emotions as not worthy, looking in the mirror and hating what we see, and treating our emotional, spiritual, and physical selves as less then. 

Self compassion can be administered daily, but it is up to you. Take a moment each day and do something nice for yourself. Forgive yourself for imperfections. Smile at what feels like a failure when in fact, you are just human, trying to make your way in the world. Imagine yourself as that infant and treat yourself well - paying attention to your needs and meeting them. This is not selfish but this is essential in order to be able to give compassion to others. To love others, you must love yourself.

When you want to turn your self compassion outward (trust me, it feels good to help other people) try something like a Laundry Love, donate (money, time, well wishes and prayers) to a local charity, or just look to meet a need in your neighborhood. Be careful though, your world might get a little brighter.