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The Blog

Filtering by Tag: stress reduction

VIDEO TIP: How to Love Your Stressed Out Partner

Emily Porta

Thank you so much for joining me in our seventh edition of the How To Love Your Partner series.  Today, I'm going to talk to you about how to love your stressed out partner.  I felt like this was appropriate for the holiday season.  Check out this week's videofor three quick tips.

Often times, the holidays can reek havoc on our relationships.  So, I'm going to give you three simple ways to learn to love your partner just a little bit more when they're extremely stressed out. 

I call these the "Three Rs" and they're really simple. 

1.  Review your ROLES.  Take a look at how do you and your partner show up in your day-to-day.  Are you typically the one who is out getting things ready for holiday parties?  Are you sending invitations?  Are the one sending out cards, getting presents together, coordinating each other's schedules?  Or is that your partner?  Review in your mind your role compared to your partner's, and how you both contribute.

2.  Make a REQUEST.  Go to your partner and say, "I want to sit down and take a look at what's coming up in the next couple of weeks.  Let's take a look at our schedules. Let's look at holiday parties, shopping, all of these things.  And let me know how I be a support to you."  It's that simple.  Ask: "Do you need help with certain things?  Give me things to do.  Let's delegate.  Let's split these up, divide and conquer."  This really tells your partner, "We're a team.  And I want to help you get through this.  I also understand how stressful this can be and I'm here to help." 

3.  REJOICE.  Celebrate together.  Celebrate those things that your partner has entrusted in you and verbalize that to your partner.  Let them know how much you appreciate them being able to confide in you, being able to depend on you. It says a lot when you can go to your partner and say, "Thank you so much for being able to receive my help and support, and for being able to depend on me."  Because that adds value to a relationship.  This is also positive reinforcement.  You're telling your partner, "This is really good.  This feels good. Thank you."  And your partner's brain loves that, whether they know it or not. 

I hope this has been helpful, but if you still want more tips and tools on how to really love your stressed out partner, especially during the holidays, feel free to contact me directly at 714-390-1652. 

MBSR

Emily Porta

MBSR is Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. I am taking a 6 week course in MBSR with Adrienne Beattie, MFT. The requirements - an open mind and a commitment to daily meditation. Evidence shows that after 8 weeks of mindfulness meditation training, you can change your brain structure. 

This is empowering!!! Seriously, I often hear (even in my own head sometimes) how "that's just the way things are", "things will never change" or "it's all happening to me." But research is showing us that you have the power to change your brain. 

You can increase the grey matter in your hippocampus (the center for learning and memory - so important for those of us with dementia in our family.) You can decrease the grey matter in your amygdala (the creator of stress and anxiety). Here is a link to the article.

So now what? Well,  here are some tips to get your started:

• Start of slow - just 5 minutes a day. Be aware of your breath. That's it. AND if that feels like too much, then start off 3 times a week and increase. 

• Be Kind to YOU! This is a practice...no judgement allowed. That is practice too...letting go of our self hatred, loathing or criticism.

• Don't give up - just keep practicing. This isn't a sprint. It is a life journey.

• Get to know your brain. Whatever happens in your meditation, it is simply information about your mind.

Best wishes to you as you try something new...something different. Your brain will thank you!

Do you have the time?

Emily Porta

I am going through this fantastic training for MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction). The students have been asked to meditate 45 minutes per day. GEESH!!! When am I going to find time for that? Then the instructor reflected "isn't it sad that we can't find 45 minutes out of the day to take care of ourselves?" 

Yes, it is tough to take care of yourself. We tend to put others first and then leave the scraps for us. Those final moments that we have for ourselves are usually hard to be fully enjoyed because we are so exhausted. So how do you make time?

• Plan it - Don't wait for it to instantaneously happen. It would be nice if it did, but it won't. 

• Respect it - Treat it like you are taking care of all the other people that you have put before you in the past. Don't let it be interrupted. 

• Enjoy it - Don't fill the time with things you "should" be doing (ya know - groceries, bills, doctor appointments, etc) but instead fill it with stuff you want to do. Not sure what you want? Might be time for you to take some time to figure that out too :) 

• Talk about it - Make sure your support system is on board and supportive. Maybe you need someone to hold you accountable. If you don't feel like you have good support, journal about what you want to do. Just writing something down can solidify the intention.

• Practice it - You know the song "if at first you don't succeed, try, try, again..." So if you set aside time and it doesn't happen, then try again. BUT be sure to understand what got in the way of you taking time out for yourself. 

So what have you been putting off...what needs to be done....can you make the time????